Better With Drunk?

If this blog were Unsolved Mysteries, you'd be hearing Robert Stack's smokey, smooth voice saying... "Update!" (If you don't know what I'm talking about, go ahead and die.)

Anywho, I don't mean to turn this into a Miguel Cabrera blog, but I had to update you fans on the status of the Tigers' premier slugger of both home runs and miller lite.

As you can see from the image to the left, Cabrera is no longer the happy, fun-loving kid you saw in his mugshot on my previous post. Now that the jubilant aura of being arrested for drunk driving and resisting arrest has dissipated, the reality has set in for Miguel. He has a problem, and he's here to come to terms with it, seek treatment, and move on with his life... Sort of.

You can't come to terms with and treat a problem that doesn't exist, right? An alco-what? a what-aholic? Miguel Ca-who? Not I, said the fly. Those of us expecting him to announce his alcoholism to the world at his press conference on Thursday were pretty baffled when Miguel said the following:

"I have it under control. It was just a bad decision. I plan to continue with treatment. I made a mistake this time, and all I can do is continue treatment."

In other news, Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman and O.J. Simpson cut his finger on broken glass in a hotel room the day after his ex-wife was murdered. I mean... come on, guy. If you're not an alcoholic, I'm not an insensitive, sarcastic prick. Let's pretend for one second that this guy is not an alcoholic. We'll ignore the fact that he took a swig of whiskey in front of the officer that was arresting him for drunk driving. We'll also ignore the fact that this is his 2nd public disaster related to alcohol in the last 2 and a half years. He's just a guy who had a little too much fun and made a couple of bad decisions. So why is he getting treatment? Treatment is for people who have a problem they cannot control on their own. If Cabrera has his problem under control, then it isn't a real problem. If it isn't a real problem, why is everyone wasting money putting him through this so called treatment? Mistakes don't require treatment, and there's no rehab program for being stupid.

If Miguel really does have a problem, it is a tragedy and he needs to first admit that this problem exists. If he doesn't, then we're going to be reading about how he gets released in 2013 after crashing his car into the team's hotel lobby while under the influence. Or maybe alcohol won't be enough to help him escape his demons for much longer. Maybe he'll decide "hey man, you know what really makes demons go away? Black tar heroin!" He'll shoot his baseball career into his veins and eventually be dishonorably discharged from his contract, his Hall of Fame hopes destroyed by the sweet relief of that drug they call "mexican brown."

I'm not saying Miguel Cabrera is guaranteed to become a fiend for that beautiful china white, I'm just saying he's a drunk, and he needs help before he drinks himself out of baseball. Granted, that won't happen for at least a few years, so I'll still be picking him for my fantasy baseball team this year if I get a chance (In the third round, if we remember my previous post). Maybe he's better with drunk? My buddy Jeff brought up an excellent point while i was discussing this with him: that players like Hack Wilson, Mickey Mantle and Whitey Ford were know alcoholics who eventually drank their way into the Hall of Fame. Sure they all died younger than they should have, from some kind alcoholism related circumstances, but they were way past playing age when they all croaked.

If nothing else, Cabrera's boozy bumblings have already provided me with fodder for two excellent blog posts, and we're not even in March yet. Needless to say, I'm excited for what Miguel Cabrera has the potential to do in 2011, both on the field and off it.

Go Tigers, go!